I just protect my peace now: Lily’s story

**Content note: Lily’s story includes references to childhood trauma, addiction, bereavement and serious ill health. Lily’s name has been changed.

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I first came into contact with MACS when I was around 16. By that stage, a lot had already happened in my life.

Growing up, things at home were difficult. I experienced trauma and instability, and by my early teens I was struggling to cope with any of it.

I ended up going into care, living in different placements across Northern Ireland. Around that time I was drinking, partying, and taking drugs, I just didn’t want to be at home. Over the years my drug use became more serious. I experienced addiction, prison, housing instability, and some really serious problems with my physical and mental health. There were times my life was completely out of control.

I’ve been supported by MACS at different stages, through Supported Housing, Floating Support and Prison Resettlement. My life looks very different now. I’m going back to education, learning for my driving theory test, building a life with my partner, and looking forward to becoming a mum. I’m also working towards getting a home of my own.

More than anything, I just want peace and stability now.

“It’s all about your peace now. I just protect my peace.”

When I was younger, I never wanted to be at home. There was a lot happening behind closed doors, and I didn’t know how to cope with it. By around 14 I was spending more and more time away – drinking, partying, taking drugs.

Eventually, at 14, I was placed into care. I lived across different placements, including residential care. It was during those years I was introduced to drugs that would later become a serious addiction. When you’re that age, you don’t really think about where it’s all going to lead. For me, things just got worse,  my drug use took over nearly everything, and there were times my family genuinely didn’t know if I was going to survive.

Looking back now, it’s hard to believe that was my life.

After I got out of prison, I was offered my own flat. At the time, I thought it was going to be my fresh start. I thought, this is great.

It didn’t turn out like that. Drugs were all around me, and my addiction got bad again, worse than before. My health suffered. There were times things got so serious my family had to prepare for the possibility I wasn’t going to make it.

Eventually I knew I had to give the flat up. It meant losing my housing points and starting all over again, but I didn’t care.

Having a flat doesn’t automatically mean you have somewhere safe to call home. For me, starting again was better than staying somewhere that was pulling me back into a life I was trying to leave.

If I could talk to a young person starting down the same road I did, the biggest thing I would tell them is to stay away from drugs. When you are young, that lifestyle can look good. You don’t think about being older and having to live with everything you’ve done. But you do grow up.

That’s something I have to deal with now. I’m trying to do well, and I know I’m not the same person I was then, but my past doesn’t just disappear because I’ve changed. There are people who have never even met me who have already made their mind up about me because of things they know about my past. That’s hard.

I can’t go back and change the decisions I made. That’s why I’d tell a young person now to get an education and find something positive that gives them something to work towards.

Losing my mum was incredibly difficult, and around that time I relapsed. Almost a year ago, she died unexpectedly. We hadn’t always had an easy relationship, but over the last few years of her life we had become really close.

I remember standing at her coffin, thinking about my younger siblings, my family – I knew they loved me, and I knew I wanted to be there for them.

I haven’t been perfect since then. I still have hard days. But a bad day now doesn’t have to turn into weeks or months of everything falling apart. Recovery takes time,  that’s something I try to tell my friends too.

MACS has been part of my life at different stages since I was around 16, through Supported Housing, Floating Support and Prison Resettlement.

Having that support takes some of the pressure off. When you are struggling, trying to sort everything out yourself can feel impossible. There were times I couldn’t concentrate on anything,  small things wouldn’t make sense to me, and I’d get upset and think I was stupid because I couldn’t do them. Even something like filling in a form could feel massive when your head is all over the place.

Sometimes you can feel very on your own, like you’re not going to be able to sort it.

Having somebody there for things like housing meant I didn’t have to carry everything myself. It gave me space to focus on getting myself sorted.

If I could tell someone in my position something it would be  -If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do everything alone.  Don’t take on too much. If you can’t do it, reach out to MACS and see what’s best for you.

My life today is completely different. I’ve got my partner, my family is closer than it’s ever been, and I’m looking forward to becoming a mum myself. I’m going back to study, and I’ve been learning for my driving theory test, even sitting and concentrating on something like that means a lot, because there was a time I couldn’t.

I’m still working towards a place of my own. I don’t want the chaos anymore. I want to settle down. I want peace.

If Lily’s story feels close to your own experience, or you’re worried about a young person you know, MACS can help. Find out more about our services.